Alleged Panties Flashing Brings Healing
Subtitled: How My Alleged Panties Flashing Brings Some Healing to The Disconnects
|"And we know that all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are the called according to his purpose" ~ Romans 8:28|
School ~ Learning in school was not hard for me. Reading far in advance of my age level was not hard for me. Sitting still all day long in school was very hard for me. I think I was 'in motion' since I was born. I loved recess at school and I put every fiber of my being into it. The other girls didn't do the 'monkey bars' or even half of what playground equipment was offered. I did all the playground equipment. Of course, my family's penchant for cleanliness and washing up, meant I had to wash my hands and face, get the dust off my socks, sometimes wash the playground dirt and dust from my legs in the girl's bathroom and make it back to my classroom seat on time. It was worth it.
I did not have a hard time with the other girls. A small group of about four other girls sometimes seemed to have a hard time for me. I didn't understand it, I usually ignored it, although I would sometimes get these real 'pinchy' feelings inside when it happened.
So, if this day at school had been a boxing match, I was pretty much going to get hit with a knock out punch, fall to the mat and be counted out, giving another certain victory.
Flashing (Showing Off) Your Panties ~ I did my usual after recess bathroom routine and was about to go through my classroom door when my teacher Miss W. got hold of me and my dress by the neck and was hauling me hard up the hall toward the Principal's office. She asked the Principal if she could use his office and if he wouldn't mind attending to her classroom for a while. She had a situation that needed her immediate attention.
Miss W. ~ "It has been reported that you have been flashing your panties to the boys on the playground at recess today and every day for quite some time. What do you have to say for yourself?"
Me ~ "Miss W. I don't know what you are talking about, I wouldn't flash my panties to the boys. I wouldn't do that."
Miss W. ~ "Wait right here." Miss W. leaves and then returns with four girls from my class (you can guess which ones, see above here.) "Girls, is it true (my name goes here) flashes her panties to the boys on the playground at recess?"
Girl #1 replies, "Of course it's true. She's been doing that for two months. We felt it was important and time to say something." The other girls are nodding their heads yes, murmuring in agreement. Miss W tells them, "Thank you" asking them to return directly to the classroom.
Miss W. ~ "What have you got to say for yourself now?" But before I can even begin to think a thought, Miss W. continues on with "This will not be tolerated, it is flagrantly disgraceful, morally depraved, outrageous and unbecoming to a lady."
I have this sensation, I had it four time previously, I didn't really know what it was, I know what it is now...it's when something occurs that strikes you so horribly that internally all the blood seems to drain from your body, only this time I feel totally and completely paralyzed and helpless. The clock in the office just keeps ticking and I'm frozen in my chair. Miss W says, "Well?"
A tiny little voice escapes me to respond to Miss W. ~ "Miss W. I think you just told me I am being wicked and sinful on purpose. Miss W. I don't flash my panties to the boys." Now my face begins to heat up to blazing bright red, but this is the only thing I could think of at the time, "Miss W. I played with these boys (name names) yesterday and these boys (some names were the same) the day before, could you please ask them?"
Miss W. ~ "I will speak about this to Mr. R. (the Principal) and I will see if Mr. R. will speak to the boys. Please tell your Aunt I will be calling her about this situation."
We go back to the classroom, Miss W. sends me in and motions Mr. R. out to speak with her in the hallway. Miss W. returns to the class. A few minutes pass and Mr. R. calls six boys out of the classroom to go with him and at some time later they return to the classroom.
I can't look anyone in the eyes. I finish out my school day, I don't think my face ever stopped being red, and blazing is now added to bad headache (blazing bad headache) and I feel like I want to throw up over and over and over again. When the end of the day bell rang, I was so grateful except I had to go home and face my Auntie with all this news. All I could think is "another big mess, another big mess, why am I always a big mess?"
Coming Home ~ Having just slank home from school feeling yet another all time low, fighting back the urge to sob, I entered through the front door, hoping I could just quietly get into the house and get into my room. I usually came in through the back door. Uncle Earl 2 was usually home.
Uncle Earl 2's voice: "Sissy, is that you?"
Me: "Yes, it's me Uncle Earl 2."
Uncle Earl 2: "Come on to the kitchen, I have your sandwich made and a glass of milk and two cookies too."
Me: "I'll come sit with you Uncle Earl 2. I don't know if I can eat a bite. Uncle Earl 2, I feel so sick." I came in and sat down. "Uncle Earl 2, I'm in trouble at school, bad trouble for something I didn't do and some girls say I did. I think I'm having a hard time."
Uncle Earl 2: "Yes, I've been on the phone with both Miss W. and Mr. R. your Auntie will be here very soon. I want you to try not to worry. We'll get this all worked out."
Me: "You don't understand Uncle Earl 2, I think I'm having a hard time. Every night I say my prayers and every morning I say my prayers. The only thing I ask for myself is to just be happy, I want to be happy like I was before Daddy died and Mama got sick. I try to be happy every day. It's not working out. I am afraid Jesus and God aren't hearing me (a lone wail escapes from within). Uncle Earl 2, I'm having a hard time."
Uncle Earl 2 says "Oh Sissy, oh Sissy, oh Sissy, he puts his arms around me and picks me up. I'm so sorry, so very sorry." Sometime during all this my Auntie E2 and my first cousin (their daughter) come in from the back door. I had looked over and Cousin S. seemed to have a shocked look on her face.
Uncle Earl 2 said to me "Sissy, go on change out of your school clothes and go play, your Auntie E2 and me need to talk a bit and I've got to get off to work."
Auntie E2 took me to school the very next day. I know she spoke with both Mr. R. and Miss W. together. She returned to school about an hour and a half later with a special brand new pair of shorts she made for me to slip on under whatever dress or skirt I would be wearing each day along with a note to be placed on my file that I should be allowed the time to put my shorts on before recess and take them off after recess.
The truth was I did not on purpose (deliberately) flash my panties at the boys. There were a few times my panties could be seen at recess (because I played so hard and was unawares of it).
(I'm pretty sure now, some of that depended upon the particular dress or skirt I was wearing that day). I was not "flagrantly disgraceful, morally depraved" after all. The reporting girls got a lecture with the Principal and their parents all together.
I didn't do an immediate 'bounce back' after this mess. I was more cautious and less trusting of any of my schoolmates, even though the boys I played with at recess were truthful and stand-up. I was strongly embarrassed. My heart hurt for a very long time.
Oh No! Another Ordeal Reveals ~ Cousin S. began coming home from school right away more often. She would sideways glance and I swear give a sneer at Uncle Earl 2 and I at the kitchen table. One Saturday morning not too long after, Cousin S. came out to the front yard where I was playing.
She came up to me and pushed me down on my butt. I got up and she pushed me down again. I got up and I keep backing away, she moves forward and pushed me down again. Every push down she was pushing on my shoulders/chest area with both hands.
I yell, "What are you doing, have you gone crazy?" she says nothing and our push down, get up, back away, push down dance keeps going. "Why are you doing this?" I cry out.
"You know why." she replies and I swear it sounded like a snarl.
"OK, I'm sorry I borrowed your movie magazines, I put I put them all back and didn't smudge but one of them. I only tried to read one of your romance magazines, they are too icky for me. I'm sorry, I'm sorry, ok I'm sorry." She isn't slowing down or stopping at the push downs.
"You don't ever hug my daddy's neck again, do you hear me? Never again."
"What in the world is going on out here?" ~ I hear my Auntie E2's voice and look over. Both she and Uncle Earl 2 are on the fronch porch looking at us.
"Both of you, inside, right now" ~ Uncle Earl 2's voice and I tell you he 'ain't' kidding. We go inside and are standing in the living room. "Now what is this about?" She is silent, I am silent. Uncle Earl 2 says, "Sissy, you tell me and you tell me right now."
"She's mad at me for hugging your neck the day I was in so much trouble."
Boy, did Uncle Earl 2 ever give her the look followed by, "Well she needs to know that I hugged your neck that day, doesn't she?" He pointed at her, told her to go to her mother's bedroom, looked at Auntie E2 and told her to go with her and wait for him there. He then looked at me and said, "Sissy, go to your room." My face must have looked a little crushed because he amended it to "Sissy, you aren't in trouble, would you please go to your room and stay there a while."
Not World War II but might have been close to it ~ I heard it through the walls, not all of it, but enough.
Uncle Earl 2 ~ "That child is 10,11 years younger than you and you are pushing her down, she's lost her daddy, her mother is too ill to care for her, we are who she's got and you treat her like that! Has your mind lost all common sense? Right now we are all she's got, am I going to have to worry about you beating her up all the time?" (sounds of crying, muffled sounds/talking I can't quite get).
Cousin S. ~ "Daddy, don't walk away. I don't want to lose you. We're losing you and I don't want to lose you. I don't want you to die. I don't want you to leave me. I don't want you to be angry with me like this. I want you to love me." (more crying, muffled sounds I can't quite get) followed by...
Uncle Earl 2 ~ "I'm right here little darling, I'm right here right now, I'm here, come over here and hug my neck. You, come over here too and hug me." (I think Uncle Earl 2 may be talking to Auntie E2. (more crying, muffled sounds I can't quite get.)
I am about to lose my breath, no please, no please, what did Cousin S. just say? Oh, don't let that be... Uncle Earl 2 is dying? I begin to cry as quietly as possible because I do not want to disturb them. I remember hearing some more muffled talking and then I begin to feel so tired and fall into sleep.
Another day later on, I was able to talk to Auntie E2 about Uncle Earl 2 a little bit. We had a good talk.
Better Days ~ Cousin S. came home straight after school more often and I wouldn't say she was exactly nicer to me thereafter, she still had some acid to her voice and that "Sarcasm" but we would both sit at the kitchen table with Uncle Earl 2 until he got off to work. Whenever she came in from school, if her daddy was right there, she's make sure to go over and give him a hug. She'd give him another hug when he got ready to walk out the door and ever so often she would turn to me and say, "C'mon you, hug my daddy's neck." and I would get to give Uncle Earl 2 a big hug myself.
Auntie E2 adjusted her schedule just that little bit so me and Cousin S. would have our time with Uncle Earl 2 and then she'd come in and join us. There was a little bit more laughter. They too had a little bit more hugging. It wasn't all perfect but a dang sight better than the 'disconnects' I had been feeling earlier.
Conclusion ~ Later on, having spent time with my own husband who was facing his own mortality through lung cancer that had spread; I suspect when you know your mortality is on the time clock, it is deeply personal, very lonely even and a very hard thing to do. ( "hard" ~ "very hard" ~ these words occur often in this particular telling.)
I think (now) the disconnects of this childhood time weren't about not loving, it was about loving so much and figuring out how to cope with this from all parties, not just the one who was scheduled to depart. I think the disconnects were 'distances' (physical and emotional distancing?) chosen by all to try and self-protect themselves and even each other.
My advice is no matter how difficult it is, figure out the way to close the distance (you don't have to smother either). Or am I saying, don't allow this type of 'distance' to disconnect from each other? Keep and maintain connection any way you can.
See this little Sissy girl, please remember her two truths that finally became self-evident through her entire life:
1. Smart as a whip and dumb as a rock all at the same time
2. Catalyst (no matter who or what, when she is around, things are gonna happen)
Be nice to her (now the older me) for taking some good credit in these particular instances,
sometimes God gives even little children very hard jobs
More family stories with Auntie E2 and Uncle Earl 2@grammakaye on Twitter. Comments are always welcome.
Edited Update: May 20, 2013